Happy Freaking New Year To Me



2015 is off to a wonderful start. Not. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It’s only the fifth day and it has just been so terrible so far. I was dreading this year anyway, but I thought my worries wouldn’t start until the summer, because my husband is being deployed again. I am dreading that so much, it does not matter that we’ve done a deployment before, every separation is terrible, horrible, and I just wish for him to never have to leave for weeks or months at a time. I feel physically sick to my stomach whenever anyone talks about it or brings it up, and I try to avoid discussing it at all times because I’m in a state of denial. The first time he was gone, his command told him he had to send me home because I was so depressed, anxious, and stressed that I started self harming again (something I haven’t done since I was a teenager) and they thought being around my family would help. It did, tremendously, but every day was still a struggle with depression over him being gone. I hope this time will be better, I will be in school, surrounded by friends and family and in a familiar country, but this deployment will be longer than the first one and I don’t know how I will deal with that life-crippling depression every day for nearly a year.

The year started off shitty before it even technically started. New Year’s Eve I was at my mom’s house and having a wonderful time. She was at work, and my brother’s caregiver was at the house, and I was making my favorite crockpot chili that I have been dying for my mom to try ever since I discovered the recipe. After a few hours, my sister was able to come over which made it an even more incredible day. My mom was suppose to get off work and be home by 6pm, but she didn’t get home until 7pm. My sister promised her boyfriend she would leave at 8pm so she wasn’t on the road with crazy drunks and party-goers and my mom knew this. Robert had to sign into his unit on Saturday so we sadly had to leave bright and early New Year’s Day and typical for me, I hadn’t even started packing yet (I have issues with denial, I know). Right at eight, when my sister announced she had to leave, my mom asked us to go to the store for her. My kind sister agreed, and off we went. When we came back, I told her I had to go pack, but I promised to be back by midnight to celebrate with her and Ben. She said, “Okay, we’ll see you in an hour!” I told her it would probably be more like two or three, because I also wanted to spend time with my in-laws before they turned in for an early night. They were getting ready for bed at 10:30, and everything was mostly packed up and ready to go, and I was getting ready to head back over to my mom’s house. She messaged me on Facebook and said my in-laws were “stealing” all my time (I’d say I spent most of our vacation with my mom, and barely even saw my husband even though this was suppose to be our time together too, he does not like my mom for reasons that are understandable even though I wish they got along better, so he didn’t come with me often). She went on to rant and rave about how I said I’d be back in an hour (Umm, what? You said that, I said I needed a few hours!), and told me not to even come over. She went All Caps on me, saying how hurt she was that I wasn’t spending more time with her, his family was controlling me, she doesn’t want to see me anymore, and don’t even come over tomorrow before we left, she doesn’t want to see me at all. My mother is an alcoholic and she had started drinking before we even left (and one of the items she asked us to get from the store was more wine), so I knew this was the alcohol talking, but fuck, it still hurt! Just as my love language is words of affirmation, the opposite is true, and the way to hurt me the most is with words. Sadly this is something my mother is very good at when she’s drunk. She has thrown suitcases at me and told me to “pack my shit and get out” because I was spending too much time with Robert, then my boyfriend (too much time = about a few hours together every other day or every couple of days) and she wanted me home more (my other commitments at the time – school and work). One of the nights I argued back (big mistake, I normally just let her rant her alcoholic ravings at me and let it roll off my back) and she really did kick me out of the house, but she blocked the hallway and screamed at me to climb out the window. So I did.

The crazy thing is, people have complimented us on our amazing relationship because we really are very close, when she’s sober she’s a very fun person to be around. She just turns into such a monster when she’s drinking.

After all the fighting on New Year’s Eve, she calmed down and asked if I would still come over. I told her only if she did not pick a fight with me when I showed up. She agreed, so I came over. She was on the phone when I arrived and went into her bedroom until 11:40pm, when she came out and said it was almost time to set off fireworks. At midnight we did, and it was really a lot of fun, Luna was curious about them (instead of being fearful like most dogs) and watched them intensely, and my brother was doing tribal-like dances around the fireworks and we had to shoo him away from them while laughing at the same time. Then we came back inside and she passed out on the carpet. She was just ranting about not wanting me to come over for an hour and then leaving again, but she spends the first 30 minutes of me being home in her bedroom alone, and then passes out shortly after midnight. I had to put dinner away and get Ben ready and put in bed before leaving and dealing with a very upset husband because I did not come home until 2am when I knew he wanted to leave by 8am. Yeah, that didn’t happen. He is a good man, though, and knew how exhausted I was, so he let me sleep until 10am and we didn’t get on the road until noon. He is an early bird and I know that was hard for him to do, but I really appreciated the sleep. I was also dealing with “womanly troubles” and wasn’t feeling at the top of my game even with a full night’s sleep.

After a very long, boring, rainy two days of driving back home, everything was pretty normal and relaxed for a couple of days. I had a follow-up appointment today and was pretty freaked about that the whole weekend, but it went really well and I didn’t even need my bunny, and she stayed tucked inside my newly rediscovered (aka I found it in a box of my things in our storage unit in Florida) messenger bag. I got to really “meet” my primary care provider this time, and she is totally awesome and funny and sweet.

But after that appointment, we got the worst news yet of this very short new year. I feel terrible and horrible that we didn’t get Luna spayed sooner, but we didn’t think she’d get sick. We didn’t want to stress her out with surgery after the stress of moving here in August, so with that in mind and also the expenses of moving across country weighing on us, we decided to wait until after her upcoming heat cycle. And it was the worst decision ever. We noticed she was licking herself a lot more than normal, with some minor changes that made it look like she was still in heat, but other than that, she seemed fine. But we still wanted to get her checked out so I called and made her a vet appointment and they were luckily able to see her this afternoon. My poor sweet girl has pyometra, a very serious uterus infection, and it is completely preventable. Luckily the vet said we seemed to catch it early enough, and she didn’t think we needed to rush her off into surgery in the next 15 minutes, so she is getting an emergency spay tomorrow morning. I just feel like complete horrible crap for not getting her spayed sooner. I had vaguely heard of this infection before, but it’s extremely rare in dogs younger than five years old and Luna is not even three yet so I didn’t think it was a huge concern since we planned on getting her spayed before her birthday in April.

All of this, and we still have other appointments and other commitments to do (a rather important one being my military ID getting renewed…it expires January 17th, and we just found out that they only renew ID cards by appointments here (but their sign says walk-ins welcome too? I am so confused), and the next available day is January 21st! I tried to walk-in today just to get some information, find out if I needed to fill out any forms or how many forms of ID to bring, and was told I can’t do anything without my sponsor, even get the form early to fill out at home and have ready. Meh. It’s no wonder they call us dependents…we can’t do anything without our sponsor by our side.

We are barely into 2015, and I am just so ready for it to be done already. If the rest of the year is anything like the first few days, I am OUT. Cryogenically freeze me until 2016.


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